• driving a really cool convertible car
• actually, just driving
• sex
• making my own dream woman from scud books, a sindy doll and a car battery
• being pressured into organising a party when i’m sure no one will turn up.
• reiterating that fear to my friends as i open the front, and being astonished as about 1500 people all say ‘HI!’ at the same time.
• the fact they are all much older than me is neither here nor there
• sex
• having a locker at school
• for hiding stuff in i mean
• staying in a huge detached house in which my bedroom is the converted loft
• or basement
• having some incredibly hot girl, 2-3 years older than me, living across the street
• finding out that girl is in fact a shallow and completely bogus bitch, and that i’d be better off with my geeky female friend
• realising this only when the geek makes herself look like the shallow bitch
• sex

None of this was forthcoming in a country renowned for bad weather, entrenched alcoholism and deep fried foods. And in the days before yer bebo or yer facebook i had to rely on good ole television to brighten my corner. ITV was as shit then as it is now, but they did endear themselves to me by picking up on Sabrina the Teenage Witch featuring Melissa Joan Hart.

Melissa had several qualities which made a puberty struck Ah Fong take notice

• blonde
• supernatural
• liked wearing leather trousers
• and leather skirts

I’ll not go into details on a family site like this, let’s just say the fevered conjouring of MJH’s image kept this scottish boy warm on the freezing summer nights.  As did the image of one of her aunts (you know the one) The programme itself was the breezy, preppy feel good kinda show the yanks excel at. But what marked it out for me was that rather than just namedrop a lame reference to popular culture (like Blossom and Pearl Jam. Eeeeew) STTW, as us fans call it, actually had personal appearances. Alright, some of them were shit. But some were amazing.  I thought REM had made an appearance but cant find a reference to it, but Violent Femmes were on and even po faced, soap boxing, alt.popsters 10,000 maniacs got in on the act.

So take your pointy judgemental hat off, Mabel and enjoy Sabrina’s arse the bands

p.s what’s MJH up to these days? running a sweet shop. Melissa, we could have done that together. In glasgow. With fried food instead of sweets….